SUNDAY:
We do the mindfulness of breathing meditation this morning, which involves counting our breaths. I don’t feel as sick this time, like I did yesterday (I often feel dizzy when doing morning meditation, due to lack of food) but still feel uncomfortable – my knees hurt. I try to bring my breathing down to my belly as suggested, to feel more grounded. Each time I close my eyes though, I fall into dreaming, so have to keep them open. My mind is pretty busy! Lots of thoughts are coming up but I try to keep them out, using Saddhanandi’s method of saying ‘thank you thought, goodbye’, acknowledging the thought with compassion and gently letting it drift off.
This evening we do mindfulness of breathing again but with only two sections, so when the bell rings I think we are only halfway through and am prepared to sit on for longer! So I must be getting used to sitting still. I find it difficult to actually notice the beginning of my thoughts, as we are directed to do, but at least the sitting is getting more comfortable.
MONDAY
You’d think that after a solid eight hours sleep I’d be able to stay awake for the 7.30am meditation, but no. It’s so quiet in the shrine room, and light is still only just making its way over the hill, and I am half dreaming for most of this meditation.
This afternoon we do an exercise in helping us identify the exact moment sensations arise, and how we label them as ‘nice’, ‘bad’ and so on. In pairs, we take it in turns to lead the other around blindfolded, with the leader directing our hands toward certain objects. It is certainly a shock to find my hand in a bowl of cold baked beans! Without the luxury of sight, things take on a whole different perspective; I lose all sense of direction, and things make me jump. It is certainly an interesting and amusing way to introduce us to the idea of perceptions, and labelling.
5pm: Just as I thought I’d got this whole ‘catching my thoughts and stopping them’ thing sussed, I find myself looking at one of the other women across from me, and suddenly I am off on a complete stream of consciousness thread, which starts with thinking about the flapjacks she made earlier, to ending up, via a long trail of thoughts, to thinking about how much my car costs me to run each year! I can see the entire thought process, but as Saddhanandi says, “awareness is the first step of transformation”.
TUESDAY
Today we do a writing exercise, which first gets us thinking about why we meditate; I find myself writing things such as, ‘to still the chatter in my head; to find peace and contentment; to connect to the core of myself; to try and be more calm and less stressed; to put things in perspective; to train my mind; to have an enlightening moment; to see into the nature of reality; for the physical benefits; to cultivate love and compassion; to lessen thoughts of past regrets and future fears’. The next questions ask us to think more deeply about our meditation practise, how we block ourselves, what our tendencies show us, how we approach it etc. I’ve never thought this much about it before so it challenges me to look within myself for honest answers.
WEDNESDAY
Today we do a contemplation exercise, thinking about when things become what we label them, i.e. when does a cup of tea stop being a cup of tea? When all the tea has been drunk? Or when it is almost empty? When does a rose become a rose? When the bud has opened? And how about when the petals have all fallen off – is it still a rose? The point of this is to see how we love to label things, including people, so we can understand the world around us, but how ultimately these labels are meaningless, or rather, shorthand for what is really happening, which is far more complex.
THURSDAY
After the morning talk on mindfulness, I stand out in the garden and am more aware of my body. I realise when my shoulders are tense and my forehead frowns – often when I am thinking! I also became more aware of when I am drifting off into thought about the past, the future, or even worse, the imagined past of future. We also learned there is no such thing as a good or bad meditation, and that all meditation is beneficial to developing our practise.
A CASE STUDY
Sam Bhaware, 29, went on the Taraloka retreat while six months pregnant, in order to recoup, relax and find inner awareness before giving birth “For me, going on retreat feels similar to taking a deep, long breath. For a few moments, I gain stillness and calm in an otherwise hectic life. Going to Taraloka was just like that. I came away feeling somehow renewed and more effective as a person, more able to function positively in the world. What I loved about my retreat was the variety of techniques that we learned, allowing us to become aware and mindful at a deep level. Sometimes, resistance can arise in me when asked to perform a group activity. But somehow, without those experiences, I don’t think I would have understood the teaching as well as I did. They opened up avenues for reflection that I previously had not explored.
I also valued the peacefulness of the retreat and the centre itself. Being in silence for three days, I became more introspective and aware of my feelings and actions. I also enjoyed the friendships I developed. We were all there for a mutual purpose and the supportive atmosphere was very rewarding. Being on retreat was exactly what I needed to feel more alive and grounded. It was a necessary part of my life and I value times like those greatly.”
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